soldiering comes with a cost

non compos mentis
by Matt Freire

so i got some bad news he said
and out his mouth the horrible news was spread
confused i was
let this be a joke i mentally choked because i knew
no one jokes in this manner
and after the news spewed from the mouth of the carrier
reality silence suffocated the area
the room quiet
thoughts whirling
on my watch the second hand quivering in spot
we three just looked at each other with bewildered expressions
no words mentioned until one uttered
“at least he is not dead”

befitting this afghan night rains like it does
and i don't know what to say or to do so i go for a run
and i run so the rain can act like my tears
because they won’t flow otherwise
because that won’t honor my friend
appendage destroyed he can walk no more
and like a sick joke i run to mourn
so my feet talk for my lack of empathy
talks me around this FOB
as skies express my want
lightning guides my way
around the HESCOS and concertina wire
my mind is blank
thinking about thinking
running for stability
haze in my mind aches
but i won’t let it asphyxiate my occupation
because my line of work
my craft
my vocation
is upheld in the most crazy of situations
you have to be unhinged to run into battle
with a weapon that cannot immediately terminate your adversaries
who assail us with armor piercing rounds
and bury surprise explosions

yet cemented my notion
and i am concrete in my emotion
i am harden in my profession
because i love the thought of capturing the now
i love my job because it’s hard
and exciting
and i think of these thoughts and wonder
how i can think of this in a time like this
how can i be happy in what i do
when my friend’s leg is missing
how i can i let this not bother me
it's just something i do
it actually doesn't scare me at all
I'm actually more resilient in my resolve
i actually want to be outside the wire on a mission right now
when you’re out there everything else disappears and you just act
and that’s exciting

i miss him i do
and wish him and his family the best
i wish i could see him and reminisce about old times
wish i could be with him and hear his unique seedy laugh
but wishes are complicated
and i know it will be till I'm home that i see him
and i know there’s nothing i can do
except keep doing what i do
keep capturing and stepping
keep cognizant with a continual movement towards whatever end state
this is, and no time is, time to retreat
besides there’s no escape in my mind
it’s not even a question
more like a hypothetical contemplation

realist i am
reality is unreliable
humanist i am
humans are unpredictable
soldier i am
soldiering comes with a cost
living i am
life could at anytime be lost

not even here an entire month
bedeviled i shan't be
even though afghan 10 doesn't sound as cool
afghan 11 in my mouth will stay
and in my mind’s present he will stay

“at least he's not dead”
my feet wouldn't be able to speak all the words
“at least he's not dead”
i fear silence would never leave the room
“at least he's not dead”
my fingers would contort from carpel tunnel
“at least he's not dead”
because the afghan 10 would have to document his funeral


Photos:
Top: "The Afghan Eleven" en route to their respective assignments in Afghanistan, June 2009. The Afghan 11 are tight group of soldiers from the 55th, "Combat Camera," Fort Meade, Maryland.

From left to right: Chrisopher Alison, Jenifer Cohen, Andrew Smith, Teddy Wade, Leonardo Torres ('papa oso'), Richard Jones, Christopher Nicholas, Matthew Freire, Evan Marcy. Not in photo because they were already in Afghan getting things ready for us: Lt. Rock Stevens and Wayne Gray.

Next: Soldiers from the 4th Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Focus Targeting Force (FTF), search for a missing Soldier in the Ghazni province of Afghanistan on 19 Jul. 2009. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED)

i don’t want to limp away from this one

salvo
by Matt Freire

passing time becomes an art form
smiling through is a right of passage
and here
as i sit
i masticate like a ranging cow
not caring how or what
just filling my bowels
and i recognize the flavor
the tasty powder fragrance is impotent in behavior
and so i labor on the distasteful
dust covered food
the condiment i'm used to
even in my drinks
good thing i'm a fan of heavy pulp

the barrage of flies at times is wild
horror stories
i'll save for an indecisive child
you know it's hot when you don't care if flies crawl on your face
little fly feces and vomit litter my face
you know you're thirsty when you chug hot bottles of water to hydrate
scolding coffee-hot water
when you loose some taste buds
but think life is now great
because now the color of your piss doesn't look like tang

you know you're tired when you start seeing shit
like you're dropped in a country where people want to kill you
and lop off your head
and an air raid siren starts to blare
and explosions rattle your bones
and you realize you're there
in a war zone unaware of danger
not thinking of self
accepting fate
and a smile cracks and splits my chapped lips
because i've been waiting for this
i want it
i want the pain i want the anguish
i want the luster i want the experience
i constantly wish the excitement would start
no matter where i go or what i do
i have visions
dark war filled ideations
the UH-60 is down
and i'm down to my last round
in the chamber peace can sprout
in the chamber new lives can route greater passageways
and i want to be at ground zero for this day
see these moldings come to life
see these barren trees crumble to dust
see these seedlings brought to life
i want picture in picture high definition all senses go real life
point movie experience
i want to live in my own episodes of close encounters of the combat kind
i want the most realistic reality could conjure
and rectify my questions and ignorance

standing above the sediment
diving into predicaments
ridden of barriers, where i could die
where the chance of surviving is minimal
where bullets and sweat save lives
where an instant decision would alter my course
where hesitation is death
where indecision is like mouthing the chamber and pulling the trigger
where tears only blur your vision
and cries only announces your location

the stage is set
front row VIP seats i reserved
but i will bring no date
i'm hoping i get lucky

and i, i am so close to the greatest show on earth and i'm anxious as ever
because this day seems like forever
i've been waiting
and the daybreak projectiles shrieking animation
and i'm mildly complacent in my admiration for my foe
prostrated in my cot
because its so hot yet droll outside

and when those air raid sirens cry
telling the timid to run to bunkers to hide
i exclaim at the height of my yearning
it better be on target
because i don't want to limp away from this one

Photos:

U.S. Soldiers from 2nd Battalion, 377th Parachute Field Artillery Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, board CH-47 Chinook to depart from an air assault mission to search the Khost province of Afghanistan during Operation Champion Sword on Jul. 28, 2009. Operation Champion Sword is a joint operation involving Afghanistan National Security Forces and International Security Assistance Forces focused on specific militant targets and safe havens within Sabari and Terezai Districts of Khost province in eastern Afghanistan. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED)

U.S. Soldiers from 2nd Battalion, 377th Parachute Field Artillery Regiment,4th Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, run off a CH-47 Chinook during an air assault mission to search the Khost province of Afghanistan during Operation Champion Sword on Jul. 29, 2009. Operation Champion Sword is a joint operation involving Afghanistan National Security Forces and International Security Assistance Forces focused on specific militant targets and safe havens within Sabari and Terezai Districts of Khost province in eastern Afghanistan. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED )

i'm not in the mood to argue

scything imagery
by Matt Freire

take a picture he said, it will last longer
but a death lasts forever
no waking from the taking
life's impounding souls
and the digital camera film rolls
and the moment is captured
turning disaster into fine art
turning war into a fun adventure
looking through the lens keeps your eyes
distance seeming forever away
but forever it'll stay
but that's ok sez i
and i raise my camera to the sky and snap
as souls i snatch
so these moments can pass
to those not around to grasp
and they can react how ignorant humans react
like masses in charge
way more chiefs than Indians dealing lives
way more soldiers than politicians that die
and i'm here content in my ways
not regretting a day
i'm here serving my purpose
participating yet mindful
not wasting but growing
an imagery showing
the nuances of war
the gradation of how it is
the shades of what lies within
and it turns me on just a little
ok some even a lot
even though some is just wrong
but it enlivens me
it fulfils me
click, snap
shutter released
manipulating light how i see fit
ethically aware
even where ethics are scarce
and when the shit gets real
my camera’s still there
and i capture the moment
because he said the moment will last longer
and freely, i'm not in the mood to argue


Photos: Field medic Cpl. James Daoust from 2nd Battalion, 377th Parachute Field Artillery Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, provides to a Afghan boy during air assault mission to search the Khost province of Afghanistan during Operation Champion Sword on Jul. 29, 2009. Operation Champion Sword is a joint operation involving Afghanistan National Security Forces and International Security Assistance Forces focused on specific militant targets and safe havens within Sabari and Terezai Districts of Khost province in eastern Afghanistan. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED )

"they sharpen their knives on my constant mistakes"

you pass the judgment as i pass the moments
by Matt Freire

you pass the judgment as i pass the moments
you pass the rationale like a cigarette
between rebellious high school deviants
all as i embrace the absurd
because I’m not able
i am Kane
i pitch a landslide of fires
just to make it rain
ashes fall on the absent night
and i chuckle as my skin is powdered
i am so close to this heaven
just outside the mysterious gate
"they sharpen their knives
on my constant mistakes" (1)

i sharpen my angle as she said
she's going down the bottle
i said i'm going down the drain she snaked
she said she wasn't big enough to carry it
she's weak
feebly pathetically discrete and quiet
she needs relief
so i convinced her in jolting whispers
i coerced her in a roundabout way
to get behind the ox
follow the morning plow
stir your whiskey with a nail
and have a stand naked
at the bottom of the cross
and tell the good lord what i did

crows prostrate on the power lines
grimacing they defecate taunts towards me
overhead the source light retreats from darkness
malice is my skimming involvement
whispers of why fade like a child’s request
assault bag is packed
seams unstitching themselves
as if they are all knowing
my car has all the gas it can stomach
as the man’s fingering the noose
satisfaction i give few
and scarcely receive
i journey in
i exit out
roads of circumstances and locations
disappear in the distance(2)

Footnotes:
(1) Modified line from "Make It Rain." Written by: Tom Waits and Kathleen Waits-Brennan
Published by: Jalma Music (ASCAP), © 2004. Official release: Real Gone, (P) & © 2004 Anti Inc.

(2) I was listening to Tom Waits' music for a day, went on a mission, wrote this poem, and then realized the Waitses' lyrics, concepts and ideas were appearing.... apologies to the Waitses. Also, thank you to the Waitses.

Photos:

Top: Local Afghani kids in the Ghazni province of Afghanistan on 17 Jul. 2009.(U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED)

Middle: Afghans sit out side their collats while Afghan National Army soldiers search the area during Operation Champion Sword on Jul. 28, 2009. Operation Champion Sword is a joint operation involving Afghanistan National Security Forces and International Security Assistance Forces focused on specific militant targets and safe havens within Sabari and Terezai Districts of Khost province in eastern Afghanistan. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / )

Bottom: Afghan National Army soldier jokes with a child during Operation Champion Sword Sabari Afghanistan on Jul. 28, 2009. Operation Champion Sword is a joint operation involving Afghanistan National Security Forces and International Security Assistance Forces focused on specific militant targets and safe havens within Sabari and Terezai Districts of Khost province in eastern Afghanistan. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED)

the passionate fool focuses

[i wrote this right after my third air-assault in afghan. it was sweaty and dark. a 3 hour mission turned into an 18 hour mission. we ran out of water and food within the first 3 hours. it was over a hundred degrees by 1000 hours and just got hotter. it's amazing what the human body can endure. mf]

trouncing of ignorance
by Matt Freire

in the darkness the round fills the chamber
the ramp drops
a stumble rush through dust the unfamiliar
stimulates my elation
with the juggle of decisions
merchant of death or digital moment taker
not a question

the latter i'm in favor

because i'm the moment taker
focusing fluid drips as
electric synapses spark hands to react
eye catch
finger react
with a snap
souls i catch
each image is a thousand words or so
in choking sand
in undisclosed afghan
i scan the dismal
the beautiful
the unfamiliar mysterious landscape
the pressing heat
fogs my eye pro
the quiet streets wait
white balance off
the weary fatigued steals my box of f-stops
no stopping
still snapping
stills captured

kelvin temperature overwhelming
the scenario looming

boots bleeding
muscles aching
and i wait
waiting
want of imagery waning
then
the heat haze appears
and it illuminates

the passionate fool focuses

the f-stop rises
to match the shutter
speed the dial key
yet too blurred it is
i try to focus
deaf ears keep ringing
and i keep keeping
and my fingers keep framed
the sites worth seeing
so much in view
narrow down i adjust
and like that
it's over
and the bird comes
camera, death stick, and self
now baptized in
dust, sweat, and experience

Photo: (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED)