Can you all in the back hear me legibly?

Being in the army and in combat gives you strange characters and situations that occasionally spawn unique verbal discharge. Here is a collection of some of the madness I’ve heard since being here. Some I’ve heard before but this environment gives new meaning to the phrases. I thought you might enjoy.

"I look more hoo-ah from a distance."

Soldiers coming in off a mission were greeted by some high ranking officer, I think a Lt. Col. He told a group of soldiers they looked tired and said, "You don't want the enemy thinking you’re tired now, do ya?" The response was "I look more hoo-ah from a distance," to which the brass had no response.

"I can’t fart with any confidence."

This quote was spawned by the horrid stomach jihad on a coalition soldier.

"60 pounds of light weight shit is still 60 pounds."

This was a 240 gunner’s response to a platoon leader who said, “It won’t be bad. It's only a few kilometers and you only have to take your light weight shit with you.”

"Did you get anything good?"

I’m sure every combat camera soldier has heard this. A POA (Public Affairs Officer) asked me about my photos right after Smitty and I were talking about how after every mission we go on someone is bound to ask if we got any good photos.

"If you have any issues grab a tissue."

A medic told me this when I got the stomach jihad.

“Can you all in the back hear me legibly?”

I was in an operation brief and as I was falling asleep when this line woke me up.

“The situational situation."

This was from the same guy at the same op brief.

“I need water like JFK needed Kevlar."

I heard this during a hot, sweaty dismounted patrol in the markets of Khowst city.

“Get you wetter then water."

I heard a genius mutter this after an air assault; he was referring to a body function in his body armor.

"Some days there are not enough rocks."

I was sitting with the FTF waiting in Sharana for a bird to pick us up and we waited for hours, birds coming and going without us and this soldier was sitting there throwing rocks for a good twenty minutes when he said this. I thought it was funny. Maybe because I was tired or maybe it’s how he said it. Think Forrest Gump.

“You hang with dogs you get fleas."

A soldier referring to people who house Taliban fighters then complain that we raid their house and detain them.

"If you fart again there is going to be a Dustwun part 2."

Locked up in a Mine Resistant Ambush Protectant vehicle for 4 hours with 5 soldiers, MRAPs are good for protection from the outside assaults but not good protection from what's on the inside. Dustwun was an operation looking for a soldier who decided to go for a nature walk and got captured by the Taliban.

"The good thing about being a medic is you feel no pain."

A medic told me this when I had stomach jihad.