getting our money’s worth
by Matt Freire
it’s interesting the things we don't say
the things that could make for stories
the things that lived through could make a profit
words cannot say all of the things
nor try to i
these things holding dear secular
if only penmanship could experience bring
there’s a creature in the distance
i feel its lurking presence
i sense its closed fists
with all senses
i feel its rage is incontinent
i smell its musk
it’s relentless
i taste its compassion
it’s irrelevant
stealth is key in the absence of speed
speed is key in absence
i sit in darkness
as the droplets of rain distort the night
i recap
i suck in
I’m holding
in the night
lightning hiding the thunder
and the explosions
and the awe spectacle of worthy display and recognition
what a day it was
what a day it could have been
so many days filled with what could have been
i have not dared to mention
nor fingertips or lips able
a lucky omen i am
such bullish thoughts are trifle and stupid
but for some unspeakable truth
it rings out
and we humans like truth
explosions rocket the convoy
as we leave our ops
i not knowing the time
or status
results in pulling security in the midst of battle
and i
not pursing moments that can be
or distantly capable of being observed by many
troops in contact
a sound you never want to hear
troops in contact
a sound that brings new meaning when your right there
when you hear the boom
tenses your toes on up
when you hear the vibrations
clench every orifice shut
and feel the danger
of what's going on
fills the mind’s chambers
indescribable is this fever
but yet fulfills me
in every way much deeper
troops in contact
we unload to secure
the distant sound muffled
now
in the rain and recording of prayer
attentive vigilance calms the night air
rifle and crew served weapons
that filled my day's air
doesn't release the could have been
should i be
a question everyone asks
glad i am
that this day un-lived we did pass
Photos:
Task Force Khowst soldier aids an Afghan man after his vehicle hit an improvised explosive device in the Khowst province of Afghanistan Aug. 28th, 2009. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Matthew Freire / RELEASED )
![[...]](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_cw0KlDhKsNM/Sm5xxlWQkJI/AAAAAAAAB3A/2C0t1jCEDPs/S150/matt+chinook+chopper.jpg)
![[on leave]](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_cw0KlDhKsNM/SmkZh3hXBpI/AAAAAAAABzw/RzOKjc4FobE/S230/matt+may+16+2009.jpg)
things that are seen by one but not able to fully express the horror that lies behind the eyes, only the person that is present can truely understand. For all the bad enters the eye, make sure that you can some how double the input of good. stay strong and we love you and look forward to your safe return. your brother
ReplyDeletelove the comment, strong words.
ReplyDeletei might be eccentric but i don't view the things i see as necessarily bad, or good, more i just view. i've not gone mad, i still know what is good and what is bad but my experience with it is,
Matt, it seems that you saw some things that we cant even imagine seeing. Please stay strong. please keep safe. we your family need you.
ReplyDeletelove mom
The line becomes blurred and good and bad are relative.Matt,you are being changed and are changing by your experience.Danger fear,death they are part of a man but only when they are lived can they change him.For now embrace your warrior be the walking death machine spiiting lead.Do whatever you must to come home to us as Matt, changed but Matt.That is the only politics I have any more. That when it is done you come home to us.That when it is done the fallen will be honored and the families comforted. that when it is done you have fullfilled the need which sent you there.That when it is done it is done.
ReplyDeleteWalk with care
Unka
I still am liking your writing. Insightful, sometimes moving. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteMatt i miss you a ton and you are in my prayers. NO one should have to be at war it is just the world we live in. It is sad you have to watch men die and watch killings. It brakes my heart that you are in the war. Also that others have to be away from their families to protect our freedom. I am very grateful unto all that is fighting cross the sea and even here at home. I sm extremely blessed and i thank my father in heaven for this safe land and all i have. I love you brother!
ReplyDeleteLove Amber
My nephew...so strange to have watched you grow from the confused young teen to the mighty warrior. Your life could of took a different path back then. When your family brought you to our doorstep trying to save you from the evils of addiction. Just think...i do...drugs could of taken your life if you had continued on the path you were on in Chico. One dose too many could of just ended it. What a waste that would of been. well, look at you now! Living on the edge. Living being the key word. When you were doing drugs you were looking for the edge but I do not believe you were looking for life then. i believe you may have wanted to escape it slowly but surely. And again what a waste that would of been. For I look at you now and I see a MAN. Not a scared young lad trying to find himself and his place in the world. Wondering why even try. A man who is truly taking life by the balls with purpose, courage and conviction. The youthful waste of life is obselete. You are doing what you set out to do and life is throwing even more lessons at you than I am sure you anticipated. You are being brought through the refiner's fire. You have experienced more in such a short time than most experience in a life time. I am proud of the path you chose. Proud to not get a phone call saying you o.d. ed, got shot in a deal gone bad by some gang banger or jealous boyfriend. You playa...lol! I know you are in the midst of hell. I don't like you there but i believe everything happens for the reasons of life lessons and this will be the one that makes or breaks you. But I believe that it will make you! You have all of the makings of a warrior and this will only make you stronger for what else life has to bring for you upon your return. You will have the right to say been there, done that...been to hell and back...stay safe, stay focused, survive and nothing life throws at you after this will ever break you. I love you Matt and i am so looking forward to your safe return home and stories of the hunt.
ReplyDeleteyou in a private hell? what makes you so special? just cuz you write your experiences and post them here? there are thousands of troops who hang in there and do what they are told to do, just like in Nam and Korea and WWII. I don't know what it is with you guys who have to whine they are in danger or whatever. I wish you well even though i don't understand the need to write all this crap.
ReplyDeleteno i'm not in private hell at all. are you in a private hell? and you are correct anonymous, i'm not special in anyway but it sounds like you are special and either (but not likely) "hung in there and just did what you were told" or (more likely) too special and fragile to serve. i was a slam poet before the military and i love to write so i continue to write. if you think these words are a "whine of danger" then you might want to take your ignorant ass back and reread or go colloquial fuck off. either way whatever your demographic, you are not a target audience. i write for myself and for my family and friends. this blog is just a good medium for transmission. contrary to what you think i am having the time of my life and this is why i joined and will continue to serve and continue to hang in there and do what i'm told.
ReplyDeletematt f, the author of such whines....
how dare you write that Matt whines, he is out protecting us all day long, he is in harms way 24/7 all our troops are. they are out doing and not just sitting back and doing nothing. if Matt needs to write down all he sees and like he said if is for his family and friends then then that is what he can do. what are you doing for our country? are your in harms way? do you do anything but cut our solders down.
ReplyDeleteKim
To the ANONYMOUS piece of merde`
ReplyDeleteYou understanding is not only unnecessary but very likely unwanted. If you can not see the inherent value of reading these writings then you are both blind and stupid. This is the real history of war you idiot. Not some watered down pap spoon fed to candy ass pissants like yourself. You think every one of our soldiers don't feel their own private hell over there? You think writing about it is weak? Your ignorance is tantamount to declaring war on this blog. Here you will find a family of warriors with little patience for nit picking pissants.
No, we don't all agree with this war, but while ours and others children are fighting it we will defend them and their honor ferociously and with no quarter given.
So my suggestion to you is shuffle out of here and do not come back with your bile.My nephew is one of the bravest men I have ever known. He charges into harms way with elite special forces armed with only a camera so jackass idiots like you get a glimpse of the war. He lives it every moment. That he chooses to share the experience is a gift to those who care about the kids over there. That you can't see the gift he is giving then you should stick with Faux news.
Sign me,
Just another Freire who can kill you then whine about it
PS full name added in case you got something more to say without a key boards protection.
Hey Matthew, I've been forwarding your photos and posts to lots of people, they are amazing bits of you. We're proud of you.
ReplyDeleteLove, the California Freire Clan, Steve, Nicole, Claire, and Alice.
P.S. Under no circumstances are you to get killed or maimed. Because then I will bring you back to life so I can kick your ass. That's a loving thing to say. I just have a filthy mouth.
matt! i love you so much! and you are doing an amazing thing and that guy that said you are whining doesnt even know anything cuz every one that knows you knows that you never whine about anything you always take what you get and dont complain about it! i think that is so cool. and your poems you are writing at so good, and amazing. i hope you doing okay. i love you and miss you love whitney
ReplyDelete“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
ReplyDeleteThe credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause;
who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
Teddy Roosevelt
you convey a sense of understatement in a lot of these posts. you understate. you have a low temperature delivery that i think has greater impact than rants and raves... gives you moral authority. right word? it makes you a trusted documenter. that's more like. i trust your stories more. you also use metaphor. that true? i have to read some posts a couple of times for meaning to sink in. i do find meaning, for me at least. what your words signify to me might conflict with whatever it was you wanted to or meant to say. i don't know.
ReplyDelete